


Apocraphy

by Polyhexian



Series: Humanformers: The Music AU [26]
Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Humanformers, M/M, POV Third Person, Recreational Drug Use, Suicidal Ideation, it's trauma time again folks, religious trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:01:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26959216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polyhexian/pseuds/Polyhexian
Summary: Chromedome has been having a rough time with narcotics anonymous.
Relationships: Chromedome/Rewind (Transformers)
Series: Humanformers: The Music AU [26]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1859230
Comments: 5
Kudos: 33





	Apocraphy

"How was it?" Rewind asked as Chromedome sat down in the passenger seat, eyes downcast.

"Alright," he shrugged, noncommittally. 

Rewind frowned, putting his car in drive. "Is that the truth?"

Chromedome hesitated and glanced up at him, his expression troubled, before he grimaced and stared back at his lap, riddled with guilt. "No. It wasn't alright. It was stressful. It was hard. I don't exactly have fun at narcotics anonymous."

Rewind reached over to pat his thigh reassuringly. "It's okay. You don't have to be alright. You don't have to play it cool, Domey."

"...Yeah," Chromedome sighed, gazing out the window, "It's just… full of a lot of unpleasant memories and feelings."

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Honestly?" Chromedome shook his head, "I've spent the last hour and a half talking about it. I'd really like to think about _anything_ else."

Rewind gave him a somber sympathetic smile. "I don't blame you. I'm proud of you, though, for working so hard, and you should be proud of yourself, too." Rewind shifted where he was touching Chromedome's thigh and took his hand.

Chromedome turned back toward him and smiled wearily. "I'm trying."

"I gotta make another slime video tonight," Rewind said, changing the subject for him, "You wanna make a slime video with me?"

"Gotta pay the bills somehow, huh?" Chromedome chuckled, "Slime video it is."

Chromedome squeezed his hand, and Rewind squeezed back.

* * *

"I'll be back soon," said Chromedome, grabbing his coat from beside the door and shrugging it on, "Probably hour and a half, two hours. It's been running over a lot recently."

"You don't want me to drive you?" Rewind asked, looking up from his computer in concern.

"No, it's fine," Chromedome told him, "I can drive myself. You don't need to interrupt what you're doing."

"But I like interrupting what I'm doing," Rewind argued, standing up and crossing the room to hold his hands, "I like you, remember? I know these meetings always stress you out so badly."

"Yeah," Chromedome sighed, "But I have to be able to go on my own eventually. It's been a month and a half. I'll be alright."

Rewind chewed the inside of his mouth anxiously, and then nodded. "Okay. But let me know if you want me to come get you, okay? We can pick your car up later. I love you."

"I love you," Chromedome said quietly, and then gave him what Rewind thought was a fairly unenthusiastic kiss before he left.

Rewind sagged, left alone. Domey has been stressed and it had only been getting worse. Rewind had hoped that after finishing outpatient rehab he would start feeling better, but he seemed more depressed than ever, more on edge. Not quite the suicidal self destructive spirals he'd put on display before, but a slow devolvement of emotional exhaustion that seemed like it was draining him like a sponge.

Rewind was worried about him. He felt like a relapse might be imminent and he wasn't even entirely sure why. Things had been going so well the past few months, Rewind had been healing well, Chromedome had gotten his cast off, but he'd done his reading and knew relapses were inevitable. He just really hoped it didn't result in another suicidal meltdown.

* * *

Chromedome didn't look up when Rewind entered the room, a clear sign he was deeply lost in thought, laying on his side in bed and turning over his little plastic two month sobriety chip in his hand. Rewind watched him for a moment, feeling his heart sink and soften, and then cleared his throat. Chromedome stopped fidgeting and rolled the coin into his palm and looked up, startled.

"Oh," he said, "Hey."

"Hey, Domey," Rewind said gently, shutting the door behind him and pulling off his shirt to change into his pajamas, "How are you feeling?"

"Tired," Chromedome answered, as Rewind pulled on a sleep shirt, "It's been a long day."

"Yeah," Rewind nodded and climbed in bed beside him. He was sad to note the hesitation with which Chromedome fell in against him, as if he would rather curl up alone, and Rewind wondered if he should give him some space or not. "I can tell. You're really out of it."

Chromedome winced. "I know. I'm sorry." 

"Don't be sorry," Rewind told him, brushing his hair aside, "You don't have to be happy all the time. You don't have to pretend for my sake."

Chromedome finally shifted more comfortably into his embrace, though Rewind suspected it was only so that he could move his face into his shoulder and not be looked at anymore. "I don't want to pretend anything," he said softly, "I want it to be real."

"I know, baby," Rewind soothed, "It will be. Eventually. You just have to keep trying."

"I _am_ trying," Chromedome insisted, "Like I promised."

"You're doing a really good job, Domey. I'm proud of you."

Chromedome was quiet, and Rewind realized he was still holding the sobriety chip, fidgeting with it in between them. He stopped and laid it out in his palm, looking at it before he closed his fingers and held it up against his chest.

"Do you think," Chromedome said quietly in the darkness, "You can feel God?" 

Rewind was startled by the question. He was well aware Chromedome was a cradle Catholic atheist, but it wasn't like it came up much. They'd never so much as had a conversation about it. Rewind mulled it over. 

"I think so," Rewind said, eventually, "Though you may not know that that's what it is."

"Hm," Chromedome hummed beneath his breath. 

"Do you want to talk about something?" Rewind prompted. 

"Not really," answered Chromedome, "Not yet, anyway." 

"Faith been on your mind lately?" 

"It's been on my mind," Chromedome murmured.

Rewind hesitated again, uncertain what to say. Clearly something was bothering him. "I don't think there's any kind of unforgivable sin," he said carefully.

"Not without penance, anyway," Chromedome whispered.

"Well, you're doing that, aren't you?" Rewind asked, "You know you were wrong so you're doing the right thing and getting better. Right?" 

Chromedome nodded. "Right." 

* * *

Rewind was making himself the laziest dinner he could possibly put together and thoroughly missing his live-in chef when his phone rang.

"Hey, hun," said Rewind, pulling his TV dinner tray out of the microwave, "Do you need a ride home?" 

"We have to break up," Chromedome responded.

Rewind stood frozen in silence for a moment, hamster wheel in his brain turning as he tried to process that. "What?" he asked, baffled.

"It's the objectively right and moral ethical thing to do," Chromedome said, talking quickly, "I made you a promise and the thing is, the thing is Rewind, I tried but the thing _is_ I _can't_ keep it, it's not that I don't want to, it's not that I'm not trying but the objective truth and reality of the facts is that I literally physically cannot do it."

"What?" Rewind repeated, dropping the tray and turning around to lean on the counter, "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Latae sentatiae, Rewind!" Chromedome exclaimed, "Apostasy is automatic excommunication, there's no absolvement without confession and confession requires penance and I do not repent so I cannot be forgiven! The point is, the point is that I'm not going to walk into a box and say I'm sorry I said there's no God because it's _true_ , there is no God and that's basically Hell, isn't it? Hell is the absence of God, the separation from God, isolation and seclusion and exile, and that still might be true. Sin is still the construct of the mortal mind irrelevant of its invention so an atheist can still be a sinner."

"Are you _high?_ " Rewind balked, horrified. Chromedome was rambling, speaking a mile a minute. He sounded frantic, desperate, barely cognizant of what he was even talking about.

"Yes! Yes, obviously yes!" Chromedome affirmed, "Because that's the _point_ , Rewind, it's step two, step two accept that only God can fix you but there _is_ no God. The apocrypha is that there is a thereafter, there is a solution, that I can get better like I promised you I would, that I could do the goddamn program like I promised but it's a _lie_. Only God can fix me and there is no God nor even the delusion of one to support my fractured ego." Chromedome was panting, talking so quickly he could hardly get a breath in, and Rewind was already opening the Find My iPhone app and logging in as his panicking boyfriend. "The immutable truth is that I am broken beyond fixing, and I'm sorry."

"Domey, you're not broken," Rewind reassured him, tapping quickly and trying not to think about how hard his heart was beating behind his ribs, "You don't need fixing. It's going to be okay, I just need you to- to sit down, wherever you are, and wait for me, okay?"

"You shouldn't come here," Chromedome answered, "I've had an epiphany and I've accepted the reality I'm dealt and it's the right thing to do."

"No, the right thing to do is sit down and wait for me," Rewind asserted firmly as the address popped up- Rewind bit back a groan when he realized it was a Catholic church, because of course it was, "Promise me."

"I can't make promises," Chromedome laughed, in a deeply concerning sort of panicky way, "I can't keep them. I'm empty."

"Chromedome, _promise_ me you're not going to hurt yourself."

"I think morally I should- obviously I should have jumped the day we met-"

"Chromedome!"

"-The moment I decided to kill myself I was dead anyway, so I should have just committed and saved everyone the trouble-"

"Domey, I'm serious-"

"But the best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago and the second best time is now, and if there's no fixing, no salvation, I am _wasting_ space and time and I am morally obligated to kill myself now, and-"

"Chromedome!" Rewind snapped, opening the front door and fumbling with his car keys, "Okay, fine, fine, if you can't keep your promise then make me a new one, that you will sit the hell down and not hurt yourself and wait for me to get there."

"Unfair, but so is life," Chromedome replied, "Okay."

"Okay? Okay!" Rewind sighed, yanking open his car door, "Good. Good. Okay. Chromedome, what happened?"

"I _told_ you," Chromedome insisted, "I had an epiphany."

"Okay, _why_ did you have an epiphany? Did you even go to NA today?" 

"No!" Chromedome laughed, "I had a better idea."

"What idea?"

"I'm _doing_ the program," Chromedome explained, "I can't get past step two is the problem, I can't get past step two without accepting I can't be fixed without God, but if I accept that then that means I'm unfixable, right?"

"Who the hell told you you can't be fixed without God??"

"It's the _program_ , Rewind! Twelve steps, it's step _two!_ "

"With the- is it?" Rewind balked. He knew NA employed a twelve step program, but he didn't actually know what the steps were. He had his doubts Chromedome was correctly interpreting them. 

"Stuck on step two for two months, so I needed divine intervention. The only solution is to trick myself into believing in God because then even if there is no God to save me if I _think_ there is I can placebo my way out of Hell, right?"

"So you- how did you think you were going to manage that?"

"Well, I took a double hit of speed and then went to Mass. I figured that would do it."

"Holy shit, Chromedome."

"You gotta do what you gotta do, right?" 

"Why the hell did you think you had to do _that?_ "

"Because I would do anything for you," said Chromedome, in earnest, "And I had to do _something._ "

Rewind felt floored by that answer. He had no idea how to respond to that. "Oh, Domey," he sighed, feeling cold in his chest, "You've had a hell of a day, huh?"

Chromedome was quiet for a moment, before his tone shifted completely and he sniffled. "Yeah." 

"It's going to be alright, Domey," Rewind told him, "Just keep talking to me. I'm on my way." 

It wasn't a long drive, maybe fifteen minutes, but Rewind spent the entire time thinking his heart might explode, that Chromedome might panic and hang up at any moment.

When he burst into the church it was dark, lit dimly by overhead lights and candles, moonlight through the stained glass. Rewind had never been entirely comfortable with the violence in Catholic imagery, the blood-covered statue of an emaciated crucified Jesus hanging on the wall below the similarly gruesome glass window behind it. In the back row, sitting in a moss-green pew and shaking his leg, Chromedome was anxiously flipping a sobriety chip between his fingers. He looked up when Rewind entered, expression tense, eyes red.

Rewind sat down next to him.

"Thank you for waiting," he said, watching him carefully. He wasn't sure if he should touch him. Chromedome was visibly agitated, twitchy and nervous and fidgeting and upset. 

"I promised," he mumbled.

"You did," Rewind nodded, "How are you feeling?" 

"Like if I wasn't so selfish I would have killed myself when I had the chance," Chromedome replied, staring ahead.

"What do you mean by the chance?"

"If I kill myself now," Chromedome explained, "People will miss me. It will just hurt people I care about like you, and Brainstorm. I had the perfect opportunity, I lost everyone and everything and for one moment absolutely no one in the world would have cared or even noticed if I died, and I didn't do it because I want to be missed." Chromedome looked down at his feet. "It's pathetic."

"I'm glad you didn't kill yourself," Rewind said gently, putting a hand on his arm. Chromedome flinched, but didn't pull away. "I would have missed you."

"You wouldn't have met me."

"No, I would have missed you," Rewind asserted, "I would have known, somehow, that something was missing. I wouldn't know what it was, but I'd know it wasn't there."

Chromedome grimaced and tightened his shoulders, looking back up at him so sadly that Rewind couldn't help scooting closer to slide his arm around his back and pull him into his side. This time Chromedome fell in against him and laid his head on his shoulder. 

"Let me take you home, okay?" Rewind asked. Chromedome nodded silently, and they stood up. Chromedome let him lead him back to his car and drew his knees up to his chest to rest his arms on and stare out the window on the drive home. Rewind led him in by the hand and texted Whirl to ask her to come camp out in the living room while Chromedome went to the bathroom. 

"Do you think you're going to get any sleep?" Rewind asked his weary partner as he changed half heartedly into pajamas.

"No," he answered. 

"That's fine," Rewind assured him, "I'll stay up with you."

"You don't have to do that."

"I do, but I would even if I didn't have to."

Rewind pulled him down into bed and into his lap. Chromedome seemed strutless, as if he were too defeated to fight any longer. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Rewind hushed him, "You called. That's all I asked you to do. It's okay."

"I'm being a nuisance," he murmured, "I'm asking too much."

"You're asking for what you need," Rewind told him, petting his hair, "It isn't too much."

"I don't know why I'm like this," he whispered, "I'm sorry."

"I love you, Chromedome," Rewind reminded him, "Good days and bad days."

"It feels like mostly bad days. I'm sorry."

"What made today so bad?" Rewind asked, "You've been so stressed lately. What is all this step two stuff? Where's this religious crisis coming from?"

"Narcotics anonymous," Chromedome replied, "It's a twelve step program. I'm stuck on step two." 

"What's step two?"

"I come to believe that only God or a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity," Chromedome recited, "Step three is to give my life over to God, so, you see the problem I'm facing."

"What?" Rewind frowned, "No way. Surely not. That can't be right."

"It's right," Chromedome insisted in an exhausted way, "That's the program. AA is obviously the first one, but they're all based on the same book. Narcotics anonymous, debtors anonymous, whatever. Same basic twelve steps."

Rewind squinted. "AA is a religious thing?"

"Step eleven is to use prayer and meditation to create a relationship with God and through it understand his will," Chromedome continued, "Yeah."

"That's insane," Rewind scoffed, "Don't people like, get ordered to attend AA by court and stuff? That's crazy."

"Another guy there told me that I can just ignore the religious stuff and interpret God as whatever I want," Chromedome shrugged, "Maybe I'm just not creative enough. I think about step two and I'm right back in Sunday school and a nun is telling me I'm going to go to Hell." 

"Was it really that bad?"

"When I was fifteen I went to confession and told the priest I was struggling with thoughts of suicide, which is a sin," Chromedome explained, "He told me that I shouldn't think about that, because if I killed myself I would go to Hell and never be forgiven."

"That's horrible!" Rewind gasped, "He really said that to you?"

"I was a suicidal gay teenager," Chromedome murmured, "And now I'm an apostate. Atheism- saying there's no God- that's an automatic excommunication. You have to be forgiven or you're not allowed to be Catholic anymore." 

"That's insane."

"That's Catholicism," Chromedome sighed, "And based on Catholicism, I'm going to Hell forever."

"Well," Rewind huffed, feeling angry, "I don't believe that at all. I think you're a good person. A great person. And I love you, and I think God loves you and I think you're damn well allowed to be an atheist if you want " 

"But I promised you I would go to every meeting," Chromedome groaned, his voice breaking, "I promised you I would do better. I'm sorry."

"Jesus Christ, Domey," Rewind exclaimed, "I don't expect you to go through religious trauma twice a week! We can just find you a different program! Why didn't you say something?"

"I didn't want you to think I wasn't totally committed!" Chromedome admitted, "I thought I could just tough it out. I've put you through enough! If I could just bite my tongue and bear it then it would be better. I would be better." 

"Oh, god, Domey," Rewind gasped, pulling him closer, "That's not what I wanted. I want you to get better, not suffer for no reason. I don't want you to go back if it makes you feel that bad. We'll just find you another program, okay?"

"I just wanted to prove I could do it," Chromedome sniffled, "And I couldn't."

Rewind brushed his hair out of his eyes and kissed his forehead. "You did your best, and that's all anybody can do. Okay?"

Chromedome sniffled. "Okay."


End file.
